For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I have never related to a cat more
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO