Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
the rocks need my help
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro