In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body