Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
You Might Also Like
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.