My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting