Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
asking santa clause for nudes
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
yeah not falling for this one
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad