*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
best review i’ve ever seen