my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
A wise man once said nothing.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: