Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.