If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle