I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Brilliant!
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle