Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.