ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Time heals everything 🙂
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.