My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Actually cracking up @ this
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.