Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Okay
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I thought this was funny lol
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I can’t stop watching this.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: