Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension