My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Knock Knock
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.