In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced