People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Finally, a door that understands me
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.