I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide