Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Geez man, take it easy.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When your parents check you’re ok.