Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Always…
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.