[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.