My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.