there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”