It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.