Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…