Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
These work great until they don’t.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat