Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*Inspirational Tweets*
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.