Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Tell me you get it…🤣
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option