*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
⛄️
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Breaking news:
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.