me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Chicago sounds lovely.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Story of my life…..
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?