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I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Bill is short for Billiam
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?