I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”