My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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Bootstraps
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.