[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.