TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs