“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Thursday Thought.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream