I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”