My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
You Might Also Like
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
He-man has a Masters degree
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.