If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m literally crying
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up