Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.