It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?