Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
You Might Also Like
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica