My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Life with a cat in one tweet
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.