I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Always 🥴
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips