There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.