Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Denise please return my vape pen
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.