I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself