I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Note to self: always read the final line